Will no-one rid me of this meddlesome beastie?

MOLES! No not the sort that lurk around the corridors of a Govt department, nor those that we have on our skin…not even the former Rangers striker Michael, who still gets to play the occasional half game at Feyenoord. None of them......no, I’m plagued with one of these fine creatures who is currently enjoying sparring with me and making my garden a passable lookalikie for the opening scenes of ‘Private Ryan’!
I’ve tried or am trying just about everything I can to rid me of him. I have traps, both humane and er…rather inhumane, a sonic repeller, smoke bombs, mothballs, a musical widget from a birthday card, a kids beach windmill and in desperation, the car exhaust. I haven’t touched any of these with my bare hands either. To avoid him getting a whiff of my scent I’ve only used garden gloves, yet still he taunts me. Every morning like clockwork another mound appears, thereby spreading more pebbles across my grass than along the entire beach at Brighton. He must have chuckled himself stupid when he made a molehill not 6 inches from the sonic repeller. That was a fine waste of £18. Another £7 for the humane trap and £6 for the vicious one make mole hunting a pricey pastime.

Somewhere down there I can just picture his little world resembling a scene from ‘The Borrowers’. His wardrobe with several pairs of moleskin trousers hanging up and protected by the mothballs my wife suggested and which I was daft enough to buy. The kids beach windmill connected below ground to a generator and supplying him with limitless free power to warm his little home and the musical widget sitting in the corner of his room like some state of the art hi-fi.

I'm even prepared to do a deal with him too. If he gives himself up by way of the humane trap, I promise to take him somewhere nice and release him where he can carry on his tunnelling ways to his heart's content.


nick